Caution: do not read if easily squicked-out
Top 5 Most Gross Things My Cat Does
1. Sneezes so much that a gigantic flob of phlegm shoots out of his nose and either (a) sits across his face whilst he slowly licks it off or (b) lands on wall/window/sofa/floor/my foot/my leg. Levels of Grossness (LoG) is also affected by whether viscous, almost-solid snot is immediately found and removed, or snot is only discovered days later, solidified, crusty and amazingly difficult to get rid of. This usually ends in me scraping it off through a Dettol wipe with my fingernail. *retch*
2. Poops in one of the outdoor (on our balcony) litter trays, and in trying to kick litter over his poo, then unwittingly gets wet poo all over his paw. He then proceeds to innocently walk this ALL OVER MY FECKING APARTMENT so that I come home to little poopy paw-prints everywhere.
3. Poops around the outdoor litter trays, directly onto the balcony floor (I have employed several under-litter-tray devices all with varied levels of success re: pooping-around-trays but mainly they have created more mess and the dreaded hidden poo.).
4. The aforementioned Hidden Poo. When we first got the cats, we were innocent of the delicate needs and wants of said creatures in regards to litter trays (I have only ever had outdoor cats before, who did the majority of their toilet-ing outside and blissfully far away from me/my floors). We have since discovered they much prefer a small-litter rather than a large/chunky-litter. Before we discovered this, we thought we had constipated cats as they hardly ever seemed to shit. Then I moved the litter trays to vacuum…
5. This is a new contender, having only just been discovered this morning. I was having a lovely leisurely morning cuddle in bed with my cat on my chest/stomach. So far so snuggly. My cat then started to nonchalantly clean himself whilst I perused t’internet. My cat then proceeded to start pulling something out of his fur. ‘Ew,’ I thought, ‘I bet that’s dried poo. He seems to have swallowed his own dried poo’. Hahaha. Hahahahha. No. After he’d had a good old clean and I realised it was 10 to 1pm and I was still in bed having not eaten or brushed my teeth or done anything productive whatsoever, we both got up. And that was when I discovered he hadn’t swallowed what indeed was the dried poo. He had lovingly dropped it into my hair that was silkily cascading down my shoulders.
Note: Numbers 4 & 5 were previously held by ‘Getting Into Bed To Discover Cat Litter On Your Pillow’ and ‘Watching One Cat Disconcertingly-Lovingly Lick Your Other Cat’s Runny Eyes’.